Tag Archives: alcohol

Who sleeps anymore?

One of my favorite people ever is Oscar Wilde. So perhaps it is only fitting that I feel like one of his quotes, with all due respect to Jerry Seinfeld, rather sums up this blog: “I love talking about nothing. It is the only thing I know anything about.” I get to come here and post things that usually keep me up late at night, things that are usually about nothing, and few of you hold judgment against me for doing it.

And while I haven’t been blogging on a regular basis lately, don’t think I’ve been sleeping more (nor that actual, useful thoughts have been plaguing me). In fact, while life has taken away some of my blogging time, it has continued to give me plenty of fodder. Alas, I’ve read if a post is over 350 words, y’all just don’t wanna plod through it. So, in an effort to get caught up on random musings about nothing, here in one post are the seeds of several thoughts that I’ve been mulling over come 3:00 a.m.

First, a blinding light of clarity hit me in Target: The reason why gauntlets came back in style a few years ago (I think the young people call them wrist-warmers) is because you cannot text in gloves. So there is reason behind fashion! See? Now, if only I can figure a way to justify stiletto-heeled boots . . .

But clarity is always soon clouded over in my muddled little brain, because I just don’t understand why all my skin care products contain alcohol to preserve them and keep them looking new, smooth, and to hold their shape, while, regardless of the amount of alcohol I drink, I’m still aging, getting wrinkly and falling apart.

And thinking about alcohol brings me to yet another question: why is it when I make a vodka infusion with an entire pineapple and a pint each of strawberries and blueberries, it does not count toward my recommended daily allowance of fruits? And if it does, does that mean can make Bloody Mary with V8 juice and say I’m having a salad?

In a different vein . . . On a recent visit to see a relative in the hospital for a gallbladder issue, we had to go to the Cardiac Failure Unit to find him. Aside from the fact that I’m pretty sure the gallbladder and heart are two separate organs, I was a bit confused as to the name of the wing: Cardiac Failure Unit. If you were a patient being wheeled into an area destined for any kind of failure, how hopeful would you be for your future? Was that really the best they could come up with? Why not be a little more straight forward and write “so long sucker!” on a Post-it note and slap it on the door?

And, finally, according to the county where I live, I am not allowed to throw away partially-used cans of oven cleaner in the regular trash because it is too toxic for the landfill — TOO TOXIC FOR THE LANDFILL. Instead, I must hold on to it until a designated date and deliver it with other “household toxic wastes” to a specified location. Why is oven cleaner too dangerous for a landfill, but apparently safe enough to use in my home and immediately bake cookies in my oven afterward?

So there you have it folks, some of the miscellaneous ramblings about nothing that have been keeping me up at night. What’s keeping you awake?

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Filed under Commentary, TASFUIL

Texting for the over 40 (Because you asked for it, Laurie!)

My friend Laurie recently asked me how to abbreviate “obnoxious, gaudy, distasteful and trashy” in a text message.  She may have been joking, but I felt it to be a good question, which needed a good answer.  I thought perhaps we could rearrange the words and come up with an acronym we could pronounce, e.g., TODG.

The idea brings up a good point:  if those of us over 20 (OK, over 40) are going to embrace texting, we need to come up with our own abbreviations.  After all, our vocabulary in general is more mature than most avid texters and our life experiences often require something more than OMG to describe them. We have reached that age when we must socialize at events that, if we were twenty years younger and had been invited, our response would be to laugh our asses off, or as they say LMAO. But, due to our jobs, our spouse’s job, our volunteer work, our political affiliations or whatever, we now suffer through them and the suffering is more easily handled if we can E-vent (if unfamiliar with that word, see my post regarding e-venting, apparently I’m too old to figure out how to put the link in here) to a friend who’s not there.

Yes, someone needs to come up with texting expressions for the rest of us. And why not me? I can fulfill a public service as well as the next gal. So here goes . . .

BING >^^< which I decided means, “Being Catty.”  You can preface it with a name to suggest someone else is being catty, or you can introduce a clause with it so that the recipient of the message knows you’re being catty about what comes next.  For example if you text:  “BING >^^<  when will she get control of her boobs?”  The recipient will know that the woman with cleavage deeper than Himalayan valleys  is having her usual problem.  (Yes, I know, I’m probably just jealous–after all if I’d had all the fat sucked out of my body and something else propping up my boobs, I’d probably dress like that, too.)

Of course you can always follow BING>^^< with another acronym, such as OTH, for “Oh, the hair!” (think bad dye jobs) or SWMD, for “she’s wearing my dress!” (for those times when you realize the sales-woman lied to you again). And if you think the other woman looks better in the dress than you do, you can add SOB!

Social events can often begin with:  GIND for “God, I need a drink.”  Then a few hours later you could probably change it to GIWIWD for “God I wish I were drunk.” or maybe even HIC, for “yes, I am drunk.”

If you ever find yourself surprised by a new, young face in the crowd, a face that replaced a person who had already showed up at the same event earlier, you can type:  &HXIH2, which meansAnd his Ex is here, too.” The problem with that one is that I can seldom find the & sign on my phone, so for those of us with Blackberrys, you may want to use NHXIH2.

For those moments when an acquaintance with eccentric tastes, beliefs, or hobbies corners you at a holiday party to give you the latest updates, you can use TA_______A, to meantalking about _______ againand fill in the blank.  For example, you text “Tom’s here TAufosAfor Tom’s here and is talking about UFO’s again.” It works better when the subject in question begins with a consonant, e.g., “Sue’s TAcatsA” because when you read it, it sounds like a word you can pronounce in your head.

Whenever something is too long to text, but you know you’ll just have to repeat it later and there’s a good chance you won’t remember, send your friend: RM2TYL for “remind me to tell you later” and then follow up with a noun that you hope will continue to have meaning when your friend asks about it.

And for those nights when you’re out with the girls or when your husband isn’t with you (I don’t mean to sound sexist or anything, I just can’t think of any man sending texts like those above to anyone but EVERY woman I know would), there are a couple of abbreviations that may come in handy.  The first is for a girlfriend who isn’t there with you:  DDDHM, which means “Desperate, divorced Dad is hitting on me” and she’ll know you’re sitting on a bar stool and some dad is showing you pictures of his kids even though you’re wearing your wedding ring and told him you happily have a husband at home.  Finally the last two are for the spouse who is at home while you’re not.  The first is: IAY, which means “I appreciate you” (which is a purpose of all those DDD’s just mentioned; they are yet more reminders of why you’re with your man).  And the second is “SU4M” suggesting “stay up for me.”

Now then, if I were a marketing genius, I’d condense all that down, put it on tiny laminated cards and sell them as an accompaniment to reading glasses.


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Filed under Age, Chaos, TASFUIL

An Ode to my Father in Law

We made head-way in solving the world’s problems last night–my family, friends and myself.  Though I think may be on my husband’s “bad” list now as I’m only getting necessary words from him and no warm fuzzies.  But that’s OK for now; I’ll take it one problem at a time.

We had a casual family and friend gathering.  There was some wine involved, and vodka, and a little Lady Godiva White Chocolate liqueur, so lips were a little loose and tongues were a-wagging.  All was going well until a good friend suggested that my dear hubby was “high maintenance.”  My father-in-law and brother-in-law thought it absurd and called me in the room to verify.   I did. I verified my friend was right in her assessment.  It did little to appease the men.  We pulled my sister-in-law into the room and even got my mother-in-law involved.  There developed a definite divide.  We became more partisan than congress.  It was the women against the men.  

But the girl vs. boy thing was not the world problem we solved.  Amidst the laughter and vows to be self-sufficient, my father-in-law brought up an interesting point:  it was all a matter of perspective

And it is.  What I consider “high maintenance” is low maintenance according to others and vice verse.  The thing is, and here’s where we made progress in solving all the ills of society, I realized no one can ever be right, therefore no one can ever be wrong when a problem is a matter of perspective. 

Philosophers have been going on for centuries about perspective, but for some reason they haven’t gotten around to pointing out that NO ONE IS RIGHT when a problem is a matter of perspective.  They all seem stuck on the idea of changing your perspective as if that was the ultimate answer.  For at least 2 millenia we’ve been blathering on about finding an Archimedean Point so that we can completely remove ourselves from a situation to get a clear perspective–but did Archimedes give us steps on how to make it all right from there?  No.  More recently, in the last century, Richard Bach gave us the famous line:  Perspective–use it or lose it.  Great advice for looking at a situation from a different perspective, but again, what do we do from there? 

The Catholics and Protestants knew for centuries that they held different perspectives and ravaged war across Northern Ireland anyway.  The same could be said between the Israelis and Palestinians, vegetarians and carnivores, the Goths versus the Preppies in the 1980’s.  Everybody has a different perspective about what is right, wholesome and in good fashion.  And we all accept that, but what we neglect to remember is that when it’s a matter of perspective, NO ONE IS RIGHT.  So we say, “yes, they believe differently than I do, therefore I must make them agree with me.”  But that gets us no where.  Because no one is right to begin with.

So why fuss about it all?  Why not just acknowledge that no one’s right, including ourselves, apply kindergarten rules and  play nicely?

I’ll start at home by letting my husband know that even if I consider him high-maintenance, I don’t necessarily think that’s a bad thing.  And I’m not expecting him to change at all.

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Filed under Age, Chaos, Definitions, Relationships