My friend Laurie recently asked me how to abbreviate “obnoxious, gaudy, distasteful and trashy” in a text message. She may have been joking, but I felt it to be a good question, which needed a good answer. I thought perhaps we could rearrange the words and come up with an acronym we could pronounce, e.g., TODG.
The idea brings up a good point: if those of us over 20 (OK, over 40) are going to embrace texting, we need to come up with our own abbreviations. After all, our vocabulary in general is more mature than most avid texters and our life experiences often require something more than OMG to describe them. We have reached that age when we must socialize at events that, if we were twenty years younger and had been invited, our response would be to laugh our asses off, or as they say LMAO. But, due to our jobs, our spouse’s job, our volunteer work, our political affiliations or whatever, we now suffer through them and the suffering is more easily handled if we can E-vent (if unfamiliar with that word, see my post regarding e-venting, apparently I’m too old to figure out how to put the link in here) to a friend who’s not there.
Yes, someone needs to come up with texting expressions for the rest of us. And why not me? I can fulfill a public service as well as the next gal. So here goes . . .
BING >^^< which I decided means, “Being Catty.” You can preface it with a name to suggest someone else is being catty, or you can introduce a clause with it so that the recipient of the message knows you’re being catty about what comes next. For example if you text: “BING >^^< when will she get control of her boobs?” The recipient will know that the woman with cleavage deeper than Himalayan valleys is having her usual problem. (Yes, I know, I’m probably just jealous–after all if I’d had all the fat sucked out of my body and something else propping up my boobs, I’d probably dress like that, too.)
Of course you can always follow BING>^^< with another acronym, such as OTH, for “Oh, the hair!” (think bad dye jobs) or SWMD, for “she’s wearing my dress!” (for those times when you realize the sales-woman lied to you again). And if you think the other woman looks better in the dress than you do, you can add SOB!
Social events can often begin with: GIND for “God, I need a drink.” Then a few hours later you could probably change it to GIWIWD for “God I wish I were drunk.” or maybe even HIC, for “yes, I am drunk.”
If you ever find yourself surprised by a new, young face in the crowd, a face that replaced a person who had already showed up at the same event earlier, you can type: &HXIH2, which means “And his Ex is here, too.” The problem with that one is that I can seldom find the & sign on my phone, so for those of us with Blackberrys, you may want to use NHXIH2.
For those moments when an acquaintance with eccentric tastes, beliefs, or hobbies corners you at a holiday party to give you the latest updates, you can use TA_______A, to mean “talking about _______ again” and fill in the blank. For example, you text “Tom’s here TAufosA” for “Tom’s here and is talking about UFO’s again.” It works better when the subject in question begins with a consonant, e.g., “Sue’s TAcatsA” because when you read it, it sounds like a word you can pronounce in your head.
Whenever something is too long to text, but you know you’ll just have to repeat it later and there’s a good chance you won’t remember, send your friend: RM2TYL for “remind me to tell you later” and then follow up with a noun that you hope will continue to have meaning when your friend asks about it.
And for those nights when you’re out with the girls or when your husband isn’t with you (I don’t mean to sound sexist or anything, I just can’t think of any man sending texts like those above to anyone but EVERY woman I know would), there are a couple of abbreviations that may come in handy. The first is for a girlfriend who isn’t there with you: DDDHM, which means “Desperate, divorced Dad is hitting on me” and she’ll know you’re sitting on a bar stool and some dad is showing you pictures of his kids even though you’re wearing your wedding ring and told him you happily have a husband at home. Finally the last two are for the spouse who is at home while you’re not. The first is: IAY, which means “I appreciate you” (which is a purpose of all those DDD’s just mentioned; they are yet more reminders of why you’re with your man). And the second is “SU4M” suggesting “stay up for me.”
Now then, if I were a marketing genius, I’d condense all that down, put it on tiny laminated cards and sell them as an accompaniment to reading glasses.